Quotes

War, n: A time-tested political tactic guaranteed to raise a president's popularity rating by at least 30 points. It is especially useful during election years and economic downturns.
-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries ("American Heretic's Dictionary" section))

PATRIOTISM, n:
1) The inability to distinguish between the government and one's 'country';
2) A highly praiseworthy virtue characterized by the desire to dominate and kill;
3) A feeling of exultation experienced when contemplating heaps of charred 'enemy' corpses;
4) The first, last, and perennial refuge of scoundrels.
-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries ("American Heretic's Dictionary" section))

Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
-- Ambrose Bierce ("The Devil's Dictionary")

Peace, n: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
-- Ambrose Bierce ("The Devil's Dictionary")

Artificial Insemination: Procreation without recreation.
(Cynic's Dictionary)

Clique: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses.
(Cynic's Dictionary)

Regrettable Necessity, n:
An avoidable atrocity. The term is often employed by presidents and prime ministers when announcing bombings of civilian targets and invasions of small countries.
-- Chaz Bufe (The Devil's Dictionaries)

Math Anxiety: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
(Cynic's Dictionary)

Academe, n:
An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

Academy, n:
[from Academe] A modern school where football is taught.
-- Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)

Quality Of Life: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
(Cynic's Dictionary)

X-Chromosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
(Cynic's Dictionary)